Helena's Gems

Monday June 5, 2000
"...how typically boreish of yo'. Whinin' yet agin about yer lost of Mary Jane. Oh, mah pore, spineless son, who kin't even keep th' love of a peasant, an' somehow it's mah fault?"
--Helena t'Stefan

"Not pow'ful, Luke. ah knows how irresistable yo' find me. Wal, shall we ind all of this hyar tenshun...finally? Shall ah spread mah cape an' let yo' make love t'me? Hyar..an' now."

"Aller me t'fo'mally present yer exco't. This hyar is Ari, mah...mah han'yman an' this hyar is Natasha, mah deceased husbin's bastard chile."

Monday June 12, 2000
(af'er baxin' in her brilliance at killin' Stefan)
Helena: Yet, ah feel melancholy tonight.
An'reas: ah's so'ry t'hear thet.
Helena: One feels so alone.

Tuesday June 6, 2000
An'reas: A glass, madam, dawgone it. ah dropped a glass.
Helena: Come git yer punishment, yo' naughty fella.
Stefan: Tell her yo' cut yo'seff.
Naughty fella.

Tuesday June 6, 2000
"Who comes t'viset Mammy an' nevah comes back?"
--Helena t'An'reas, a homicidal cornspiracy in th' fo'm of a riddle.

Tuesday June 6, 2000
"ah doesn't knows if it was yer massage o' mah annicipashun of mah son's impendin' death, but ah ain't felt this hyar relaxed on account o' -- on account o' we took lucky on board an' all thin's were postible. Hmm, dawgone it."
--Helena t'An'reas

Tuesday June 6, 2000
Alexis (re: Chloe):Whut in tarnation has she evah done t'yo'? Whuffo''d yo' does this?
Helena: On account o' ah can, as enny fool kin plainly see.

Wednesday, June 7, 2000
"Wal, th' varmint in quesshun is about six feet tall, avahage build, an' ah suppose in on overall fine shape. Annoyin'ly healthy. Yessuh, exackly how much toxin w'd it take t'incapacitate a varmint like thet?"
--Helena t'th' Pharmacist at th' local "Toxins-To-Go"

Friday, June 23, 2000
Helena: Stefan nevah loved yo'. Yer tears is wasted on him, dawgone it.
Mary Jane: Whuffo' does yo' have to destroy ev'rythin' yo' doesn't unnerstan'?
Helena: Oh, but ah did unnerstan' mah son, better than yo' c'd evah postibly know. Th' truth is thet yo' were merely a substeetoote fo' a love thet Stefan c'd nevah knows -- a fo'bidden love wif th' woomin who fust cappured his heart an' held it until th' day he died, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Mary Jane: Whut in tarnation is yo' talkin' about?
Helena: Oh, come, Mary Jane. yo' doesn't speck me t'believe thet it nevah occurred to yo' thet yo' were merely a substeetoote fo' me.

Th' Oedipal Plane Convahsashun

Wednesday April 10, 2000

Helena: An'reas!
Stefan: An'reas ain't hyar. none of yer minions are available, Mammy.
Helena: how mighty inconvenient.
Stefan: an' potentially fatal fo' yo'.
Helena: mo'e idle threats.
Stefan: yo' gimme lucky Jebidiah, o' yo' will see jest how serious ah's.
Helena: he ain't mine to give.
Stefan: yer taxin' mah patience.
Helena: lucky ain't hyar.
Stefan: whut haf yo' done wif him?
Helena: ah released him, of course.
Stefan: yo' speck me to believe thet? Helena: ah delivahed lucky to th' haven of his choice -- a grim li'l diner outside of Vancouvah.
Stefan: delivahed him in whut condishun?
Helena: Healthy an' git-up-and-gitous, at th' peak of his yo'thful appeal, ah reckon. Eff'n yo' doesn't believe me, ax his Mammy. they're probably reunitin' as we speak. Shet mah mouth!
Stefan: Wal, thass a dream come true fo' Luke an' Mary Jane but not mighty satisfyin' fo' yo'.
Helena: Luke an' Mary Jane will soon discovah th' depphs of mah revenge. years of waitin' an' plannin', patiently bidin' mah time, all leadin' up t'this moment. Oh, kill me eff'n yo' like. I'll die corntent.
* * *
Stefan: doesn't move. yer peekoolyarly smug fo' a woomin who's come away emppy-han'ed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Helena: mah heart is full, ah reckon.
Stefan: wif so much time an' money wasted, whut have yo' managed t'gain?
Helena: th' rush yo' felt when yo' poisoned me, watchin' me lie still an' mute, stan'in' on over me wif mah life in yer han's. thet is th' satisfackshun ah feel now.
Stefan: momentary exhilareeshun fueled by denial, ah reckon.
Helena: momentary fo' yo', yessuh. yo' didn't inherit mah tackical skills.
Stefan: oh, th' skills yo' used t'unite Luke an' Mary Jane in a desperate, dramatic search fo' their son?
Helena: it was a lovely touch, doesn't yo' reckon? mah tour of their glo'ious past.
Stefan: brilliant. now they haf ev'rythin'. yo've lost yer levahage, Mammy. th' Jebidiahs haf won, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Helena: th' Jebidiahs are ruined, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Stefan: yer deludin' yo'seff.
Helena: no. but Luke an' Mary Jane are. no, their chileish dreams will shrivel an' die, not once but a thousan' times.
Stefan: ah. how dante-esque.
Helena: Yer as transparent as evah. yer curious, but yer too proud t'ax. let me give yo' a hint. delegashun is th' key t'lastin' success. one muss nevah han'le th' details. one recruits experts fo' thet. now, poison, fo' example -- it's mighty effeckive when administered by a professhunal, but yo' made th' mistake of ackin' alone. ah hired competent staff.
Stefan: Saison, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Helena: yessuh! Fry mah hide! oh, yo' finally figgerd it out. af'er how long? eight months?
Stefan: it's too bad fo' Faison yer so literal when it comes t'terminatin' th' he'p.
Helena: ah was mighty fond of him, dawgone it. he was mighty clevah, unlike yo'. an' it was mighty dear of him to unearth th' drug thet allered me t'speak an' move. unfo'tunately, Cesar had a rebellious streak. Shet mah mouth!
Stefan: so yo' killed yer only ally?
Helena: yer speculatin'.
* * *

[continued]

Stefan: so whut is yo' lef' wif?
Helena: th' joy of watchin' mah inemies suffer.
Stefan: but fo' Luke an' Mary Jane th' sufferin' is on over.
Helena: oh, no. no. no, it has only begun, as enny fool kin plainly see. yo' wait an' see. yo' may injoy it as compensashun fo' yer loss. o' ain't yo' admitted to yo'seff thet Mary Jane is permanently outcher life?
Stefan: yer right. ah have lost Mary Jane. an' fo' thet ah sinsyarly thank yo'.
Stefan: they say min fall in love of their Mammys. ah nevah thunk thet applied to me.
Helena: ain't it a li'l late fo' oedipal mumblin's?
Stefan: ah unnerstood too late thet yo' molded th' contours of mah heart.
Helena: yo' were a peekoolyarr to me fum th' day yo' were born an' raised, like yo' were someone else's chile, some insignificant varmint -- a tuto', a shopkeeper perhaps.
Stefan: a mo'tal born an' raised to a goddess wif golden hair an' luminous eyes.
Helena: yo' were a painful disappointment t'me. saller, puny, unnerweight.
Stefan: yo' were exquisite, poised, a feast fo' th' eye, but toxic t'th' heart.
Helena: yo''dn't sleep. yo''dn't nurse. an' yo' nevah smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Stefan: how c'd ah smile wif a Mammy as cold as ice?
Helena: yo' barely acsmartsd me. ah c'd haf been ennyone -- th' wet nurse, th' maid who changed th' sheets.
Stefan: ah ado'ed yo'. an' ah hated yo'.
Helena: Starvos was mah savin' grace.
Stefan: ah promised mahse'f ah w'd find someone diffrunt fum yo' in ev'ry way.
Helena: so yo' threw yo'seff at a silly peasant.
Stefan: ah unwittin'ly returned t'th' source -- th' golden hair, th' luminous eyes. th' po'celain hide thet cried out t'be touched, cuss it all t' tarnation. Mary Jane had all thet an' sumpin mo'e. she needed me, ah thunk.
Helena: th' comparison revolts me. ah imagine thass th' point.
Stefan: ah fell in love wif mah Mammy -- a kinner vahshun, but jest as remote.
Helena: intryspeckshun don't become yo' -- o' ennyone else, ah might add, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Stefan: ah fell in love wif rejeckshun.
Helena: doesn't yo' dast blame me fo' yer inadequacies.
Stefan: no. ah's not, Mammy. yo' gave me great stren'th. yo' taught me th' seminal lesson of mah life -- how t'close mah heart an' turn mah back on a woomin who offers only pain, as enny fool kin plainly see. so yo' see, ah owe yo' an ino'mous debt. an' all mah debts ah repay.
Stefan: this hyar is th' fugitive, Helena Cassadine. these juntlemen will exco't yo' t'jail, ah reckon. follerin' yer extrydishun, yo' will agin be exco'ted to Po't Charles whar yo' will be taken into cestody, arrested, an' charged wif kidnappin'. ah believe this hyar settles mah on overdue account.
* * *
Helena: how menny times have yo' sent me away in han'cuffs? ain't yo' noticed ah allus come back?
Stefan: juntlemen, be juntle wif mah Mammy. she's been mighty junerous wif me.
Helena: once a fool, allus a fool, ah reckon. ah promise yo', yo'll pay fo' this. officer: this hyar way, ma'am, dawgone it.
Stefan: Mammy? thank yo'. thank yo' fo' bustin' th' grip of mah obsesshun. I've nevah felt better in mah life, provin' thet quaint old adage, "Mammy's love is th' bess love thar is."

Helena's Murder Convahsashun